Kaka Taught A Lesson

On the eve of Real Madrid’s match against fierce rivals Athletico, Kaka yet again decided to try and do a good deed by answering the questions of local school children. The following is a transcript of that event.

Kaka: Good afternoon, children! I am so glad I could arrange to be here with you all today and answer any questions you may have. Who wants to start?

Sami: Hi, Kaka. I’m Sami and I’m eight and a half years old. What is you favorite book?

Kaka: That’s a good question, Sami. My favorite book is the Bible. What’s yours?

Sami: The Encyclopedia of Serial Killers.

Kaka: That’s, uh…probably not something an eight year old should read, but ok — who has another question?

Angie: Hi, Kaka. My name is Angie and I’m your biggest fan. Before the Atletico game I prayed for you to score two goals but you only scored one. Why did you lie to me?

Kaka: I don’t think I…I don’t think I lied to you. I didn’t know you prayed for that and I never said I would score two. But if you keep saying your prayers, they will be answered!

Ben: Hi, Kaka. I like to watch you play football. If you had to tongue-kiss a monkey with rabies or a llama with poop in its mouth, which would you choose?

Kaka: I, uh…what? I wouldn’t tongue-kiss either of those things. I hope you don’t mind if I don’t answer that, because that’s just unsettling…does anyone want to know what I do on my off days or who my favorite footballer is?

Vanessa: Hi, Kaka. Are you a cannibal?

Kaka: Wow — no. No, I am not a cannibal. Do you know what that word means, little girl?
[Vanessa nods vigorously]

Tim: Hi, Kaka. My name is Tim and I hate you. My mother says that if she buys me a puppy you would come to our house in the middle of the night and kill it with a hammer. Why would you do that? I really want a puppy.

Kaka: Oh my…I would never do that. Why would your mother say that? I…I don’t know what to say about that, but I would never ever do that.

Vanessa: Hi, Kaka. I have a follow up question: How many people have you eaten, living or dead?

Kaka: As I said before, I don’t eat people. I’ve never eaten any person alive or dead. Never. Now, do any of you have questions about being a footballer? I’ll be happy to answer those. Are you kids on any special medications?

Dominic: Hi, Kaka. I have a question about being a footballer.

Kaka: Great! What’s your question?

Dominic: I banged your wife.

Kaka: Jesus Christ.