Thursday, 24 December 2009

My 5 Funniest Videos On The Web Today

1) I want to kick things off with a right old ding-dong between former Arsenal midfielder, Ray Parlour, and Spanish football expert Guillem Balague. Here's the two of them doing battle over whether the Premier League or La Liga is better in one of those completely pointless debates usually reserved for the pub.



2)Now that's enough of the verbal battle, let's move on to the battle on the pitch. The challenge you are about to see isn't very festive but the snowballs that are being thrown at the manager halfway through the clip is a little more festive.



3)Remember the days when we all used to ask eachother how many keepy-uppies we could all do? But we never used to ask eachother how many we done whilst blindfolded. That's because none of us tried it. Here's Tim Cahill, Theo Walcott and Ronaldinho giving it a go.



4)On to a Mark Hughes video now, and perhaps this one gives us a clue as to why he was sacked. Perhaps if he had been about to persuade JT to sign on the dotted line he'd still be in a job. Not quite sure why he's got a Geordie accent though...



5)And finally, here is a video of this chap getting a touch overexcited behind this plucky reporter. Not as funny as he thinks it is...




Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Wooooooo! Par-tay! Real Madrid held their annual Christmas dinner along with the Real Madrid basketball team and all the club’s senior executives and as you can see, things got pretty crazy.

Iker Casillas may or may not be asleep with his eyes open, Guti is clearly dying of boredom/thankful Sergio Ramos is too far away to grab his arse, and Sergio Ramos is probably on a phone sex hotline. While wearing a fancy butler’s outfit.
You’ll be happy to know that at least two members of the team have clearly already gotten their Christmas wishes this year…


Cristiano and Kaka sitting together. Together forever . Although, it looks like Cristiano is doing a little flirting while Kaka has his head turned.





Monday, 14 December 2009

My 5 Funniest Videos On The Web Today

1) Here is a clip from Brazil. This goalkeeper has to be given a lot of respet after acting so graciouslly to missing out on a award he was clearlly expecting to win.



2)Ok. Wayne Rooney may play in a red shirt for Manchester United and be a hero to most young kids. But that doesn't give him an excuse to think that he is superman. Shame on you Wayne!


Rooney La Plongeuse - The most popular videos are here

3)What is it with goalkeepers and horrendous tackles. Here is yet another video of a goalkeeper almost taking the head off the poor player. The latest to perform the stunt is CFR Cluj goalkeeper Nuno Claro



4)It's not only the goalkeepers who are taking part in these crazy stunts. The outfield players are starting to have a go. Ouch!



5) Don't we all love Fanzone on
SkySports. Here are two fat blokes having a right go at eachother during the Manchester Derby.

Saturday, 12 December 2009

Jens Lehman Is Taking The Pee

Stuttgart keeper Jens Lehmann added another chapter in his catalogue of bizarre behaviour by going to the toilet behind his goal while the ball was still in play.

Although im not convinced that was quite the type of exposure the advertisers were hoping for when they paid for that hoarding.

Lehmann even has enough time to shake before racing back onto the pitch to get his angles right to close down a Unirea Urziceni attack.

Perhaps an evening of staring at a team whose name is partially an anagram of urine got a bit too much for Jens.



Monday, 7 December 2009

My 5 Funniest Videos On The Web Today

1) Once again it's Jeff and the boys taking the pee!



2)Hearts captain Michael Stewart makes a complete prat out of himself after kicking out at air, and then landingon his arse. Idiot!



3)Luckily for Stewart, Tomasz Kuszczak was also doing his best to be named most-foolish-looking player of the week.



4)Unfortunatly for Manchester United target, Edin Dzeko, he was on the recieving end of a terrible tackle. Ouch!


Wolfsburg Vs Nürnberg 2-3-Karate Foul an Dzeko...21.11.09 - The funniest bloopers are right here

5)I'm going to finish today with a video of Lionel Messi showing off his skills at the age of......five.......amazing


Just Another Day In Brazil

Some fans take relegation well, with a shrug of the shoulders or a few tears. Not in South America though, where relegation can be greeted with a carnival of violence.

This was the case in Brazil on Sunday, when Coritiba kind of ‘welcomed’ or 'unwelcomed' Fluminense to the Estadio Couto Pereira. The teams drew 1-1, a result that was good enough to save the relegation-threatened visitors but – you guessed it – also consign Coritiba to the second tier of Brazilian football.


So you can understand why Coritiba’s fans were a teensy bit upset with the way things worked out, especially as two Rio-based clubs – Botafago and Fluminense – survived. And by a little bit upset, I mean this:







That’s right, a good old-fashioned South American pitch invasion, which left one policeman unconscious, needing to be airlifted from the stadium by helicopter.

When the dust settles, it will be interesting to see what punishment is meted out to Coritiba for its fans despicable behaviour. In England, this sort of thing might see a club being demoted two divisions, rather than one, but mental pitch invasions seem to be rather more the norm in Brazil.


At the other end of the table, it’s only fair I mention new champions Flamengo, who won their first title in 17 years after a 2-1 win over Gremio. Congrats. Btw, Gremio’s fans will be delighted to have lost that game, as it meant bitter rivals Internacional missed out on the title.



Although this is a very serious situation, there is still time to laugh in many parts of this video so please don't be ashamed to do so.
Jeff Stelling and the gang have a bit of a giggle at this reporter who can’t quite decide whether Celtic striker Andreas Hinkel is not going to pass up a chance or not going to miss it.

In the end he settles for something somewhere in between.

Watch out for the great play on words from Sir Jeff. Genius.





I have no idea what Paul Merson is laughing at. He’s got a very short term memory!

Remember
this

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Artur Boruc's Monday Rage List


AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY LAST WEEK:

1. THE WORLD CUP DRAW — AAAHHHHHHH IT TOOK FOREVER!!!!!!!! I ACTUALLY HAD TIME TO KICK MYSELF IN THE HEAD SLIP INTO A COMA AND THEN WAKE UP AND EAT A BRICK OF CHARCOAL ALL BEFORE THEY FINISHED EXPLAINING THE STUPID RULES!!!!!! CHARLIZE THERON LOOKED PRETTY HOT THOUGH!!!!!

2. THE WORLD CUP DRAW PART II — SINCE I COULDN’T GO TO THE WORLD CUP DRAW BECAUSE POLAND DIDN’T QUALIFY I DECIDED TO HAVE MY OWN DRAW!!!!!!! INSTEAD OF PICKING BALLS OUT OF POTS TO DECIDE WHICH NATIONS ARE GROUPED TOGETHER I AM PICKING KNIVES OUT OF A DEEP FRYER TO DECIDE WHAT I THROW AT MY NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE TODAY!!!!! IT’S REALLY A MUCH BETTER SYSTEM!!!!!!

3. CORN — DO YOU KNOW WHAT CAUSES GROUPS OF DEATH AT THE WORLD CUP?!?! CORN!!!!! THAT’S WHAT!!!! GIANT EARS OF CORN DO THEIR VOODOO ON THE BALLS AND ARRANGE THEM IN AN EVIL MANNER!!!!!!! THIS IS A SCIENTIFIC FACT!!!!!!

4. ARSHAVIN’S DEPRESSION — STOP BEING SAD ABOUT MISSING THE WORLD CUP YOU FREAKY LITTLE MUNCHKIN!!!!! YOU DON’T SEE ME MOPING AROUND LIKE A GOOBER BECAUSE POLAND DIDN’T MAKE IT!!!!! JUST VENT YOUR EMOTIONS THROUGH RANDOM ACTS OF BIZARRE VIOLENCE CARRIED OUT ON STREET SIGNS AND PUBLIC TOILETS!!!!!!!

5. JOAN LAPORTA’S EL CLASICO FIESTA — THIS IS NOT HOW YOU PROPERLY CELEBRATE A BIG WIN!!!!!! WHERE ARE THE FLAMETHROWERS AND MARTINI GLASSES FULL OF PAINT THINNER?!?!?!?

6. LUCA TONI’S CALENDAR — AHHHHHHH IT’S SO AWESOME!!!!! BUT IT ANGERS ME BECAUSE I CAN’T LIVE INSIDE IT!!!!! AHHHH I WANT TO LIVE INSIDE THAT CALENDAR!!!!!! TAKE ME WITH YOU LUCA!!!!!!!

7. GROUP OF DEATH — EVERYONE IS SAYING THAT BRAZIL NORTH KOREA THE IVORY COAST AND PORTUGAL ARE THE GROUP OF DEATH BUT I STRONGLY DISAGREE!!!!!! A TRUE GROUP OF DEATH WOULD INCLUDE A GUILLOTINE RAT POISON AND SEVERAL VENEREAL DISEASES!!!!!!! AHHHHH THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN!!!!!

8. GOALKEEPER HEAD KICK — GOALKEEPERS SHOULD NOT KICK THEIR OPPONENTS IN THE HEAD!!!!! UNLESS THEY REALLY REALLY WANT TO AND THEN IT’S OK!!!!!!

9. MY UNSPEAKABLY AWFUL NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI — SO I WAS TRYING TO WATCH THE NINE HOUR WORLD CUP DRAW WITHOUT SWALLOWING MY OWN TONGUE WHEN MY PHONE RANG!!!!!! IT WAS DAN AND HE WANTED TO KNOW IF I FOUND HIS DAUGHTER’S DOLL ON MY LAWN!!!!!!! I SCREAMED INTO THE PHONE AND THEN I SAID “NO I HAVEN’T SEEN IT!!!!” EVEN THOUGH I RAN IT OVER SEVERAL TIMES WITH THE LAWNMOWER YESTERDAY!!!!!! HE SAID SHE WASN’T UPSET THAT IT WAS MISSING BUT HE WAS BECAUSE HE JUST BOUGHT IT AND IT WASN’T CHEAP!!!!!! THEN I SAID “AHHHHHH I REALLY DON’T CARE!!!!” AND I HUNG UP BUT I ALREADY MISSED THE DRAW TO DECIDE WHAT DAY ITALY AND NEW ZEALAND PLAY EACH OTHER!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I WISH I COULD MOW DAN’S HEAD WHILE HE SLEEPS!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Friday, 4 December 2009

Definatly The Worst Miss Ever

I'm sure you all remember Dinamo Zagreb's Ilija Sivonjic. If not, then let me jog your short term memories.

I have previously written about Sivonjic before as he was the player who missed an open goal from three inches out. Remember him now.........Yep thought so.

Well it's time to forget about him and remember the next donkey who holds the title of 'Worst Miss Ever'.

Let me introduce Rocky Baptise.

I’m sure you all know that I'm not the most prolific goalscorer in the world but I’d like to think even I would have slotted this without too much trouble… !!!

Wow. I mean, WOW!

Take a bow, Rocky, you are now a non-league hero who just earned himself cult status for life.

The incredible miss occurred during Harrow’s recent game against Waltham Abbey (Harrow won 5-3).

Wow.

My 5 Funniest Videos On The Web Today

1) Here is a hillarious video which has been put together by talksport radio. Watch, laugh and enjoy.



2) Although this video is four years old. Is still manages to draw up a few laughs. Well done Carlsberg.



3)Don't we all just love the beautiful and accurate English language that Paul Merson provides us with every Saturday afternoon.



4)Here is an outrageous moment from Spain. During half-time in the game between the useless Xerez and the magnificant Barcelona a big, fat guy wobbled onto the pitch, scored a goal and bagged himself 480,000 Euros. Simple



5)Here is a British guy known has Mike at a football match. Apparently he is a legend in Kentucky, USA. So let's just see what all the fuss is about? Take it away Mike!

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Yellow Card For Cat Lover

A stray cat invaded the pitch during a Croatian top flight match between Sibenik and Medjimurje Cakovec, much to the delight of cat loving football fans and fluff piece news reporters everywhere.

Medjimurje goalkeeper Ivan Banovic picked up the delightfully out of place kitty in the 20th minute of the match and carried it over to a hole in the fence that appears to border a wooded area, which, as we all know, is the natural habitat for a house pet.

This cuddly story had a not so feel good end, though, as the referee booked Banovic for leaving the pitch without permission during his attempt at a good deed. This did not please the fans, however, and I’m going to assume the referee was later attacked by a pack of rabid, feral cats as he read the evening paper.

To be honest, when Banovic first starts jogging behind the goal to take the cat to safety, I really thought he was going to punt it. And to be perfectly honest, I was kind of getting excited to see that..... I blame this.


Just Another Day In South America

Hats off to fans of Argentine side Rosario Central as they visited Newell’s Old Boys at the Colosso. No more of this “Hey, let’s pelt the players with rocks and garbage,” because what does that accomplish, really?

In fact, the sheer determination of Central’s fans to both enter the stadium and cause havoc is deserving of some kind of award. And jail time.

In an an effort to limit incidents, Central fans were alloted just 3500 tickets by Old Boys officials. The visitors reacted as any smart fan would. They simply photocopied someone else’s ticket and turned up thinking nothing could possibly go wrong.When the fans were denied entry they started to cause havoc, to which police responded in the manner that cops around the world absolutely live for.

They began clubbing the fake-ticket-wielding Central fans. Twenty had been hospitalized and 50 arrested when police finally got bored with the beatings.

Inside the stadium, there was a delay as Central fans took to the barbed wire separating them from the pitch. First off, shouldn’t it give someone the chance to realise that they have to be kept from players and pitch by barbed wire? If you’re a South American soccer fan, the answer is a resounding “No.”

So as to make sure their lack of self-awareness is so complete, Central fans climbed the barbed wire fence. After Central captain Sebastian Peratta pleaded with the fans to get off the fence (and after the police threatened to fire hose the lot of them) the fans relaxed their bloody grips and the game started… 20 minutes late, which is probably routine for a South American derby match.

That’s when the fun started for the away fans. First they threw insults at Old Boys keeper Sebastian Peratta. That met with limited success, so they threw a pair of sunglasses at him. Peratta played along and donned the glasses.

Next, Central fans threw a mobile phone at him. Have to admit, no matter how angry I’ve been at a sporting event it’s never occurred to me “Hey, I’m going to throw technology at that b*****d".

Finally, the away supporters just threw a knife at Peratta. Figure flares and debris have never really drawn blood, so this was only a matter of time. Although it’s also kind of stupid, in that, if you’re going to throw a knife, throw it at a position player. They can’t use their hands.

Incidentally, the match ended in a 2-2 draw.





How To Miss A Penalty And KO A Fan At The Same Time

I really hope Bradford's Gareth Evans can sleep at night after his disgraceful act of cruelty last weekend.

Bradford were awarded a penalty and Evans stepped up to extend his side's lead and to send the Bradford supporters home happy.

However it didn't turn out the way everyone hoped especially for one unfortunate fan.

This poor, young, and loyal Bradford supporter put every ounce of faith in Evans putting the penalty away and so the young boy rushed to the front of the stand to get a closer look at his penalty....Big Mistake.

Evans blasted the ball wide of the goal and straight into the young boy's chops, who was sent flying by the wayward effort.

Monday, 23 November 2009

Roy Keane Terrifies Journalists....Again

Roy Keane’s latest press conference proved to be rich pickings for the journos in attendance. Not only was he very outspoken in his criticism of the Republic of Ireland’s protests over Thierry Henry's handball, he also took the opportunity to petrify some of the hacks.

He gave his famous death stare to one reporter whose phone rang (twice according to Keane). The incredibly brave or incredibly stupid bloke insisted on letting the mobile ring.




The Ipswich boss also turned on a journalist who laughed as he recalled his woes with the Football Association of Ireland prior to the 2002 World Cup.



To see more of Roy Keane terrifying a journalist, keep reading.

This reporter knew he had to ask. He didn’t want to ask and he knew it probably wouldn’t be pretty, but he had to ask. Fortunately, Ipswich boss Roy Keane hasn’t quite perfected his death by staring technique yet. Looks like he is getting pretty damn close though.

The interview is quickly concluded.


It's Behind You

Poor Jurgen Sierens. The Roeselare keeper stopped a long-range shot from Anderlecht’s Moroccan midfielder Mbark Boussoufa, but then lost the ball. Sierens attempted to locate said spherical object with a 360 degree spin. Which was successful in that he found the ball, but unsuccessful in that he swept into his own net. Anderlecht won the game 3-1.

Here’s a question for you though. Is this Belgian goalkeeper blunder funnier with original commentary or with Benny Hill music.

Original Commentary



Benny Hill Music



For myself, original commentary wins every time. Funny music is the YouTube football equivalent of canned laughter on a sitcom, and I like to laugh when I find something funny, not when someone cues me to do so. Just saying.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Very Angry Linesman

A friendly between Brazilian clubs Paysandu and Cameta turned not so friendly (see what I did there?) when defender Carlos Eduardo decided to play a little prank on the linesman.
While Eduardo’s Paysandu teammate was being stretchered off the pitch, he went up to the linesman and, in his own words: “I said, ‘Boy, you’re very jumpy’ and threw water on him, which was very hot. And he was more nervous yet.”

By “nervous” he of course means insanely angry and ready to kill Eduardo, who was shown a red card for his little prank. Which was a little harsh in my opinion.

I think the lesson here we all learn here though is that linesmen simply don’t appreciate jokes where they’re caught off guard by a shower of freezing cold water. Which is strange.


Taxi For Twellman

When you think of a professional footballer’s mode of transportation to a match, you probably conjure images of pimped-out limousines with built-in hot tubs, strippers and maybe even a personal pizza chef.

Well, for footballers in the United States (who aren’t David Beckham) it’s not like that. They take taxis driven by heart attack victims.

Two weeks ago, New England Revolution striker, and US national team member when no one else is available, Taylor Twellman hopped in a taxi with his brother on route to his side’s MLS playoff match against the Chicago Fire. As the cab began to slow down for a red light at an intersection, things went all kinds of wrong.

Twellman said: “All of a sudden I see the guy tilt his head back, make a real awkward noise, and his right hand goes to his face. I yelled to my brother, ‘Get out of the car! Get out of the car!’ So we jumped out of the moving car and – by some miracle – the car doesn’t hit anything or anyone except a wall. And we are in one busy intersection.”

Oh, the car only hit a wall? That’s good. I mean, I’m sure that felt nice for the guy in the driver’s seat who just suffered a heart attack.

The Twellman brothers stayed with the driver until medical personnel arrived and ended up getting a police escort to the game, which New England lost 2-0, knocking them out of the playoffs on a 3-2 aggregate score.

Bad day for Taylor, worse day for that taxi driver.

Van Persie Is Still Alive

The tabloids went crazy over Robin van Persie’s ankle injury. At first, I thought he was dead, or worse, out for the season.

On Sunday the odious Mail delivered its lead sports story, with the headline:“HORROR INJURY FOR VAN PERSIE!”

So horrible was the injury that the back page featured the player clutching his ankle. The ’story’ was bigger even than England’s game against Brazil and England’s rugby union players’ dreary grind against Argentina at Twickers.

And on Monday, The Sun featured the news on its lead sports page:“Wenger torn to pieces… Arsenal’s star striker could be out for the ENTIRE season.”

But then, as if by magic, Van Persie rose again…

In the Daily Express, the news was not so terribly, terribly awful:“Robin Van Persie was ruled out for up to three months.”

That’s more like it, nervous Gooners thought, but still – three months is probably enough to f**k up our title chances.

Then in the Mail, which one day on from that talk of a “broken ankle” and “horror injury” hears Van Persie say:“I will be out for four to six weeks.”

Tomorrow, expect Van Persie to be announced fit for Arsenal’s next game.

Nenad Cudic, The Cartwheel King

Now this is just fantastic and has certainly made my Tuesday afternoon.

Hartford goalie Nenad Cudic is just crazy.
During his team's penalty shootout he tries to put off a Stony Brook penalty taker by performing......cartwheels.

The reaction from the penalty taker is hilarious (30 secs in on the video below).

The Stony Brook Seawolves won the shoot out 3-2 and advanced to the final where they won the East Championship with a 2-0 victory over UMBC.





To conclude, the plan FAILED miserably.


Friday, 13 November 2009

Who Says You Can't Win Anything With Kids

This is going to be the strangest, most ridiculous football rule you will see in your lives, so prepare yourself.

Second division club Portimonense won their Carlsberg Cup (Portugal’s league cup) first group phase by simply substituting in a 19-year-old goalkeeper to give them the youngest average age.


Yep. That’s how they won. Simple as that.

With all three teams in Group A finishing level on points and no goals scored, the competition regulations dictated that the winners would be decided by the youngest average age of the players used.

Alive to this fact, in the 91st minute Portimonense coach Litos replaced veteran goalkeeper Pedro Silva who was an elderly 35 years old with his 19-year-old back-up, Sapateiro (pictured above), which ended up making all the difference.

The substitution reduced the average age of the players used in the Carlsberg Cup by Portimonense to 24.5 years, compared to Academica’s 24.6 and Beira-Mar’s 25.4.

That’s it — all the kid had to do was not be an old man and suddenly he’s a league cup hero. Easy as that.

Now, the Carlsberg Cup has only been around since 2007. It underwent a format change in 2008 and obviously needs a few more tweaks before they have this thing down. So don’t even begin to think about why youngest average age was the tiebreaker instead of something more familiar like replays or extra time or even the flip of a coin because it's not worth the effort.

Trust me. I'm finding out right now.

Mrs Robbie Savage

Robbie Savage has spent most of his career being told he looks like a woman, but when it really mattered it turned out he just wasn’t quite girly enough.

The Welshman had been due to travel to Amsterdam with the Derby squad yesterday to play a friendly match against Ado Den Haag.

But things didn't turn out as planned at passport control when it emerged that Savage had brought his wife’s passport instead of his own.

Savage revealed: “The scariest thing about the whole episode was when the woman at check-in looked at the picture of Sarah with her long hair, looked back at me and said, ‘You know, if you had a shave and wore some make-up I think you might get away with it’!”

He blamed his wife for packing the wrong passport, returned home to get the right passport, and flew out to link-up with his team-mates at 4pm - just three hours before kick-off!

Just for the record, Derby lost 1-0.

Darius Vassell Kicked Out

Former Aston Villa, Manchester City and somehow England striker, Darius Vassell has been kicked out of his home......a hotel.

He arrived with a look of shock on his face as hundreds of fans met him at the airport to hail a coup. In England Darius Vassell was seen as past it.
However, in the Turkish league where older players come to see out their careers his arrival was celebrated and he was treated like a god. The fans chanted his name and draped scarves around his neck.

Today? Darius Vassell has just been booted out of his hotel and has no idea what the hell is going on.
When I first read this story I thought that maybe noise may have been responsible for his eviction but no, it appears as if his club, Ankaragucu, are having some financial issues relating to a takeover.

Training has been cancelled and Vassell’s hotel bill has not been paid. Vassell also says that wages have been late in coming. The former England forward really has no idea what is going on as he hasn’t picked up the lingo yet.

“Today there was a problem, there was no training today and there was different communications. Some people thought there was training, some people thought there wasn’t. I know there has been a change of ownership and perhaps that is part of the problem. Until everybody is organised and everyone is settled down perhaps it will be like this.

My heart tells me I must stay here and play here. The fans made a big deal for me to come here and play and I can’t abandon them now because I love football and I love playing football here in Turkey and I am sure my future is here.” said Vassell.

He loves playing in Turkey? Or he loves being able to collect a salary? That’s harsh actually, Vassell is still only 29 and has played over 260 Premier League games for Villa and Manchester City. Vassell could have joined a number of bottom dwelling Premier League sides. He would surely walk into the Pompey and Hull starting line ups. Since arriving in Turkey, Vassell has scored twice in seven appearances.

I am sure the fans are fuming over the mess that the club appears to be in, Turks LOVE their football and take the game very seriously.
Anyway, Lets hope this mess is sorted out or poor old Darius will be out on the streets....TRAMP

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Grimsby Fan's Letter Of Disgust

Dear Players of Grimsby Town FC,

I am writing with regard to my absolute astonishment and disbelief as to the sheer magnitude of your complete lack of talent and failure to carry out the job for which you are paid to do.

I am not aware of any swear word or other derogatory phrase in my current vocabulary which comes close to a description of your ‘performance’ (and I use that term loosely) this afternoon, but let me just say that you have collectively reached a level of inadequacy and ineptitude that neither I nor modern science had previously considered possible.

In fact I recall a time, in my youth, when I decided to call in sick at work and instead spent the entire day in my one bedroom flat wearing nothing but my underpants, eating toast and wánking furiously over second-rate Scandinavian porn. Yet somehow, I still managed to contribute more to my employer in that one Andrex-filled day than you complete bunch of toss-baskets have contributed to this club in your entire time here.
I would genuinely like to know how you pathetic little píssflaps sleep at night, knowing full well that you have taken my money and that of several thousand others and delivered precisely fúck all in return.
I run a business myself, and I believe I could take any 4,000 of my customers at random; burn down their houses, impregnate their wives and then dismember their children before systematically sending them back in the post, limb-by-limb, and still ensure a level of customer satisfaction which exceeds that which I have experienced at Blundell Park at any time so far this season.

You are a total disgrace, not only to your profession, not only to the human race, but to nature itself. This may sound like an exaggeration, but believe me when I say that I have passed kidney stones which have brought me a greater level of pleasure and entertainment than watching each of you worthless excuses for professional footballers attempt to play a game you are clearly incapable of playing, week-in, week-out.
I considered, for a second, that I was perhaps being a little too harsh. But then I recalled that I have blindly given you all the benefit of the doubt for too long now.

Yes, for too long you have failed to earn the air you’ve been breathing by offering any kind of tangible quality either as footballers or as people in general. As such, I feel it’s only fair that your supply runs out forthwith.
I trust, at this precise moment in time, that Mr Fenty is in his office tapping away on the Easyjet web site booking you all one-way flights to Zurich, complete with an overnight stay with our cheese eating friends at Dignitas. Don’t bother packing your toothbrush – you won’t need it.

In the event that our beloved chairman can’t afford the expense (understandable given that he’s soon going to have to assemble a new squad from scratch), then I am prepared to sell my family (including my unborn child) to a dubious consortium of Middle Eastern businessmen in order to pay for the flights. Christ, I’ll drive you there myself, one-by one, without sleep, if I have to.
Failing that, understanding that most dubious Middle Eastern businessmen are tied-up purchasing Premier League football clubs, I ask you to please take matters into your hands. Use your imagination, guys – strangle yourselves or cover yourself in tinfoil and take a fork to a nearby plug socket, or something. Just put yourselves and us fans out of our collective misery.

So, in summary, you pack of repugnant, sputum-filled, invertebrate bástards; leave this club now and don’t you fúcking dare look back. You’ve consistently demonstrated less passion and desire than can commonly be found within the contents of a sloth’s scrótum, so frankly you can just all fúck off – don’t pass go, don’t collect your wages, don’t ever come back to this town again.
I look forward to you serving me at my local McDonald’s drive-thru in the near future.


Yours sincerely

A very disillusioned Mariner

BRILLIANT!

Ronaldo Admits He's Fat

Here is a story about a fat lump of lard. A very talented fat lump of lard but still a fat lump of lard nonetheless.

Are you sitting comfortably...then I'll begin.

Since returning to Brazil, after pies and feeble knee cartilage called time on a 14-year European career, the original Ronaldo has been enjoying his football. He’s racked up 19 goals in 25 games for Corinthians so far, bagging a league title and Brazil Cup in the process.
All this success has made him hungry (not an unfamiliar feeling) for glory on the world stage … if he could just get rid of his gut.

In an interview with Brazilian TV channel Globo, the tubby genius relayed plans for world domination next summer:

“Right now, today, I would not even call myself up [for the national team] … I am going to make a huge effort, maybe the biggest effort of my entire career. I am going to do everything I can to be there [in South Africa for WC2010] … I think it will largely depend on the first semester of 2010.

It is Corinthians’ centenary year and we are going to take part in the Brazilian championship and the Libertadores Cup… I am going to admit it." (Wait for it).....

"I am fat. Television adds 3 kilos. Here I have five cameras pointing at me. So that’s 3 kilos per camera!”

And then he melted cheese on the cameras and ate them all. The end.

Who Says Referee's Are Bad?

In a match from Argentina’s Liga Regional de San Francisco between Sociedad Sportiva Devoto and Rivadavia de Rio Primero, the referee showed a red card to a Rio Primero defender for his goal-saving handball in a way that was either very nice or very creepy, depending on how you look at it.

With a hug and a few quiet words in his ear, the referee let the offender know that everything would be alright, then walked him off the pitch with an arm around him and a shoulder to cry on, and perhaps a request to meet him in the official’s shower room after the match.

The home team went on to score on the penalty kick and the match soon ended, allowing everyone in attendance to go home and wonder if they just witnessed a molestation.




Tuesday, 10 November 2009

David 'THE CHEAT' N'Gog

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?...........No it's David N'Gog acting like a complete idiot to win his side a penalty in Liverpool's 2-2 with Birmingham last night. What a dirty CHEAT.

There is no room in the game for players like him. I know it goes on all over the world but I do like to take my anger out on someone now and again,unfortunately for N'Gog it happens to be him on this occasion.

Is he so incredibly stupid that he doesn't know it isn't possible for humans to fly.

The French CHEAT is an embarrassment to himself, Liverpool Football Club and football.

The Blues were fuming, with ex-Evertonian Lee Carsley protesting that he had not made contact with Ngog. The replays show there was no contact at all.

Carsley said after the match: Carsley added: “I’m sure Ngog has got a family - well if I went home having done that I’d be embarrassed.”

The CHEAT so just go back to where he belongs....Freezing his arse off on the Liverpool bench because he's useless.

How important will that dive by that CHEAT be come the end of the season?

Now with the rant over you can watch the CHEAT try to fly in your own time.

Mourinho Slates Balotelli

Yet again my good old friend Mario Balotelli is in my thoughts and once again it's not all good news for the 'Immature Italian', as I like to call him. And it looks as if Jose Mourinho has jumped on my band-wagon.

The former Chelsea manager is a little frustrated with Mario Balotelli. The young striker came on for Patrick Vieira at halftime of Sunday’s 1-1 draw with Roma and after the match, Jose wasn’t exactly complimentary about his performance:

Balotelli was terrible today, close to zero. He didn’t move, didn’t work and did not help the team with [Dejan] Stankovic injured and [Wesley] Sneijder incredibly tired. Mario only played 45 minutes on Wednesday, he’s 19 and could have done a lot more.”

Ok, so, other than that he was pretty good, right?

“I cannot do more with him. I need help. I tried everything with different strategies, to be closer to him and sweeter, more distant and aggressive. Now I must wait for his response.”
Mourinho is starting to sound like the parent of a kid with a drug problem. I think he’s already given you his response, Jose. And it’s something along the lines of “Screw you, old man. I do what I want.”


“This is Mario. He steps on to the field and we never know what he can give to the team – everything or nothing. I urge the media to stay closer to my strategy and so together we can help him.”

Yep, this is starting to sound like an intervention.

“He listens and talks to the Coach, but sometimes I don’t know if he is 100 per cent in agreement with me. He has improved, but with the talent he has he ought to be giving more by now.”

Mourinho’s frustration with Balotelli is understandable, with all the stupid decisions and questionable effort he’s displayed. But remember, the kid is still just 19 years old and playing for one of the biggest and most pressure-packed clubs in the world.

Maybe it’s time to cut him a break, stop being so selfish with his talent and potential and loan him out to a less scrutinized club. If given the room to breathe, who knows — he might actually start to mature. So sort it out Mario!

Palmeiras President Wants To Spank The Referee

While Sir Alex once again displayed his ref insulting Tourrettes after his side’s loss to Chelsea, what Palmeiras president Luiz Gonzago Belluzzo (pictured on the right) had to say about referee Carlos Eugenio Simon after their 1-0 loss to Fluminense makes the sum total of Fergie’s ref rants look downright complimentary by comparison.

The defeat caused Palmeiras to drop to second in the Brazilian league for the first time since July, which by itself would have been enough to anger the club, but the fact that they would have managed a draw had referee Simon not disallowed a 28th minute goal from Obina for a phantom foul on a defender was apparently way too much to handle.

And speaking of threats, Belluzzo had a few choice comments of his own.

“I’m saying that Simon is shameless, and a shameless bastard.”

Well, you can’t say he’s not being clear.

"The only thing you can do is to fill the guy’s ass after a robbery that. The guy was in bad faith. He should have been excluded from football.”

Ok, I don’t know if I’m ok with this “ass filling” business…

“He did on purpose [to disallow the Obina goal]. I find that on the street because I’m not afraid of anyone. I am 67 years and meet Simon in the street, I give a few slaps on the bum.”

What? Your “if I meet him in the street” threat of violence is exclusively involves slaps on the bum? That’s just weird. Between that and the ass filling, I’m starting to wonder if Belluzzo really is angry with Simon, or if he just wants to engage in some kind of alternate lifestyle with him.

Here is the video of the disallowed goal.

Kaka Taught A Lesson

On the eve of Real Madrid’s match against fierce rivals Athletico, Kaka yet again decided to try and do a good deed by answering the questions of local school children. The following is a transcript of that event.

Kaka: Good afternoon, children! I am so glad I could arrange to be here with you all today and answer any questions you may have. Who wants to start?

Sami: Hi, Kaka. I’m Sami and I’m eight and a half years old. What is you favorite book?

Kaka: That’s a good question, Sami. My favorite book is the Bible. What’s yours?


Sami: The Encyclopedia of Serial Killers.

Kaka: That’s, uh…probably not something an eight year old should read, but ok — who has another question?

Angie: Hi, Kaka. My name is Angie and I’m your biggest fan. Before the Atletico game I prayed for you to score two goals but you only scored one. Why did you lie to me?

Kaka: I don’t think I…I don’t think I lied to you. I didn’t know you prayed for that and I never said I would score two. But if you keep saying your prayers, they will be answered!

Ben: Hi, Kaka. I like to watch you play football. If you had to tongue-kiss a monkey with rabies or a llama with poop in its mouth, which would you choose?

Kaka: I, uh…what? I wouldn’t tongue-kiss either of those things. I hope you don’t mind if I don’t answer that, because that’s just unsettling…does anyone want to know what I do on my off days or who my favorite footballer is?

Vanessa: Hi, Kaka. Are you a cannibal?

Kaka: Wow — no. No, I am not a cannibal. Do you know what that word means, little girl?
[Vanessa nods vigorously]


Tim: Hi, Kaka. My name is Tim and I hate you. My mother says that if she buys me a puppy you would come to our house in the middle of the night and kill it with a hammer. Why would you do that? I really want a puppy.

Kaka: Oh my…I would never do that. Why would your mother say that? I…I don’t know what to say about that, but I would never ever do that.

Vanessa: Hi, Kaka. I have a follow up question: How many people have you eaten, living or dead?

Kaka: As I said before, I don’t eat people. I’ve never eaten any person alive or dead. Never. Now, do any of you have questions about being a footballer? I’ll be happy to answer those. Are you kids on any special medications?

Dominic: Hi, Kaka. I have a question about being a footballer.

Kaka: Great! What’s your question?

Dominic: I banged your wife.

Kaka: Jesus Christ.

Monday, 9 November 2009

Sven Appears In Kleenex Advert

Sven gives his performance the big thumbs up

At a time when swine flu is threatening to cause havoc to the football world Sven Goran Eriksson's actions can only be described as deeply irresponsible as the Swede works wonders in a new Kleenex advert.

Well Done Sven





Italy's Answer To Chris Kamara

Just a quick post I would like to share with you all. The video you are about to see is guaranteed to make you laugh.

Sky's excellent Soccer Saturday programme should by rights be the most boring programme ever - four blokes watching football matches that you can't even see.
(No offence Paul Merson, Phil Thompson, Matt Le Tissier and Charlie Nicholas)

If they ever decide to liven it up they should hire this eager beaver from Italian television who was hitting new heights of impartiality on the weekend. Chris Kamara eat your heart out.

Enjoy!





Bachelor Boys

New Middlesbrough boss Gordon Strachan has spotted a hitch in his plans to get promotion to the Premier League - not enough of his players are hitched.

The Scot couldn’t quite make up his mind whether this was because his squad is too young or too irresponsible. He said: “Emanuel Pogatetz is one of only three players in the squad that are married. That’s quite unbelievable, in a world that should be for men.

“I have never come across that in my life. That’s how young we are. It’s a big miss.

“I’m not saying you have to be married to be a good footballer. I’m just saying it felt strange to come to a club where there are only three members of the first-team squad that are married.

“You need responsibility in life. I’m not going about finding wives for them, it was just a shock to me.”

United BRUSHED Aside

When you are watching this video, I know a lot of you are going to ask yourselves, What is that in his mouth?

Well...against all the odds it's a toothbrush. Some crazy man IS actually brushing his teeth at a football match. Surely there is no room for that sort of behaviour at a football ground.

Some people feel the need to rub ice-cream on their faces at matches, others apparently take the more hygienically responsible route and brush their teeth during substitutions.

The fan in the link below, from yesterday's 1-0 Chelsea win over Manchester United at Stamford Bridge shows that dental care is something to be taken seriously no matter where you are — even if you are standing up in the front row at one of the biggest matches of the season so far.

And the funny thing is nobody around him thinks it is remotely remarkable that he's doing it.

I have a feeling brushing your teeth in public is going to become the new super cool thing to do after this. Or maybe not.




Toulalan Finally Scores...An Own Goal

Olympique Marseille vs Olympique Lyon

Although there's nothing too funny about this game (apart from Toulalan scoring a big OG) I felt I just had to share this truly amazing game with you.

The yet unnamed battle of the Olympienes (Olympico maybe?) only needed about 12 minutes to turn from a hotly anticipated game into a great game.

Another 12 minutes on the other end, turned what was then already a fantastic game into The Game Of the Century!– and Ligue 1’s lawyers will make sure bloggers never forget the exclamation mark, when referring to it in the future. This match singlehandedly upped the goals per game ratio of Ligue 1 for this season

Both teams will rue giving away stupid goals (Gabriel Heinze gave away an penalty while Jeremy Toulalan scored an own goal).

Toulalan must have been so traumatized. After all his desperation to finally score a goal, when he does score, it's an own goal in stoppage that snatches a much needed victory away from Lyon.


1 – 0 Miralem Pjanic (3rd)
1 – 1 Souleymane Diawara (12th)
2 – 1 Sidney Govou (14th)
2 – 2 Benoit Cheyrou (44th)
2 – 3 Bakari Koné (47th)
2 – 4 Brandão (78th)
3 – 4 Lisandro López (81st)
4 – 4 Lisandro López (84th)
5 – 4 Michel Bastos (90th)
5 – 5 Jeremy Toulalan (90th OG)

Watch and enjoy!



Jonny Evans Takes Up Karate

Jonny Evans delivered a pretty brutal flying kung fu kick to Didier Drogba’s chest, causing Drogba to drop to the ground and convulse like he just got tased.

The reaction was a bit, uh, exaggerated, but Evans clearly deserved a red for trying to puncture his lung with his boot. Instead, Drogba’s reputation (and spastic leg kicks) got him booked rather than Evans.

Meanwhile, Nemanja Vidic found the whole episode pretty hilarious.


Take A Look!

As it happened:



As it happened on Tekken:


Philipp Lahm's Damning Report

Here is an interview given by Bayern Munich full-back, Philipp Lahm.
Normally when journalists ask questions about the reasons why club's are in crisis they are usually provided with the same answer. Try harder, work harder, need a bit of luck. But on this occasion that was not the case. Take a look for yourselves.

“If you want to compete with Barcelona, Chelsea, Manchester United, then Bayern needs a playing philosophy. That has to be the goal of the club.

"In the past, the transfers were not always very successful … clubs like Manchester or Barcelona have a system and then you buy personnel for the system. You bring specific players and then you have a team. Something like that doesn’t exist here.

"The club has to say, when a new coach comes, this is how we play … We have many players that have no position now in a 4-3-3 system that our coach would like to use, for example our strikers. We have really good forwards but if you play 4-3-3, two or three of them are always on the bench.

"If you buy Mario Gomez, then you have to say, OK, we play with two strikers. We played the entire preseason with two strikers. And then suddenly, we get (Arjen) Robben, a great player who fits with us – and who prefers the 4-3-3 system. You can’t simply buy players because they are good.”

So far, so good, so true and so Philipp, where do Bayern need to make changes in the squad?

“Where are the players who can take the ball forward? Where is somebody, who can pick up the ball and move forward, play through balls and allow the rest of us to push up field. This is hardly ever happening … And then you buy e.g. Anatoliy Tymoshchuk, a second defensive midfielder – but then you begin playing with just one defensive midfielder again, following the Robben transfer.”

OK, the midfield with van Bommel and Tymoshchuk doesn’t cut it, Tymoshchuk is another case of wasted money and Ze Roberto is enjoying his time in Hamburg. But can Louis van Gaal do any better? His transfers – Pranjic and Braafheid – have been comprehensive flops as well?

“The coach may have made two transfers, that have been criticized, but he does have a good eye for what’s missing. I believe that we already have a coach who can build a team. He is probably sometimes difficult to handle for some players, he needs time, but I am firmly convinced he is a good coach.”

What do you mean with “difficult to handle”?

“A lot of players have a mix of respect and fear … E.g. we now make an analysis after every game: what did we do right and wrong? Some players can’t handle being criticized in front of the whole team: why did you play that pass? Why did you make this decision? I personally think this is a good thing and normal … (But) Some probably say to themselves: OK, I better play a backpass before I’m being criticized again for a bad pass in front of the whole team tomorrow.”

To wrap his interview up: the transfer policy has been a shambles, the midfield with van Bommel and Tymoshchuk can’t drive the game forward and players have a problem with the coach. While Philipp Lahm may have had the best intentions, and openly addressed the mistakes made by Hoeness Rummenigge and the gang, he also managed to produce quite a lot of collateral damage by directly and indirectly criticizing his team mates and making public that the team has problems with van Gaal’s coaching methods.

So the only person he may have helped here is Luca Toni. While Lahm grabbed all the media’s attention, Toni called it a day after being subbed off at half-time against Schalke and drove home early.

Bayern’s manager Uli Hoeness already made clear what he thinks of the interview by punishing Philipp Lahm with a club record monetary fine.

Friday, 6 November 2009

That's My Ball

When a ball is kicked into the stands during a match I have always wondered what would happen if the person who grabs it decides that he's keeping it and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

Well I no longer need to wonder because that's exactly what happened during the Switzerland vs Germany game in the FIFA Under 17 World Cup.

When the lucky fan got his hands on the ball, there was only one thing on his mind.....I'm keeping this ball-even though everyone around him had turned against him and tried to rip it out of his hands.

It was like trying to take candy from a baby. (You'll see what I mean when you watch the video)